I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
