My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Randomize
