Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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