Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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