Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
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