how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
I looked at my own cervix.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
