Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
He better not be in your backpack
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
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