Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
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