I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
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