we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Randomize
