I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
A+ Viking dick
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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