I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
I want a musical about memes.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
