There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Randomize
