Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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