How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
