I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Randomize
