im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
