Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Randomize
