this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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