Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
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