today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
