Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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