I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I have tasted many bathrooms
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Randomize
