the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
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