Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
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