it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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