I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
