idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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