I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
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