Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
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