i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
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