How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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