thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Randomize
