$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
