YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
My day in three words: secret purse cake
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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