Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
