i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
