my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Randomize
