remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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