Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
