Me. At least after what I've been through.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Randomize
