i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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