Whod you bang
We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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