did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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