i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
