Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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