got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
