do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
