my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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