Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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